My Spirituality as an Atheist

I love this video. It expresses my belief better than I could express it myself.

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Paths.

Last evening, Debbie and Susan - a couple of my co-workers - and I were winding down the day with the small, routine tasks which are our rituals to close the office and to prepare for the next work day. It's also our time to talk about our day, our kids, our husbands or whatever direction our conversations may lead. I don't remember what we were discussing at the moment that led Debbie to ask me a question about my agnosticism. I paused before answering. It was during that pause I decided it was time to come clean and expose my true beliefs.

Let me explain a couple of things. First, I work as a nurse in a large Catholic hospital. One doesn't have to be Catholic to be treated or to work there, but faith in the Christian god is supported and applied in most aspects of care. I work among priests and nuns. I work with many nurses, doctors, therapists, et cetera, who apply their faith to our patients' wounds and diseases as they would a salve or a scalpel. Prayer is encouraged, and Jesus hangs from the cross in every patient's room.

Second, I am an atheist. Working in a faith-based hospital, I do not share that with my patients or co-workers. I learned a long time ago that many people have misconceptions regarding atheism and, therefore, prejudices as well - so I keep my beliefs to myself as a general rule. Godlessness equals immorality. Satan is at work, so don't trust an atheist. Atheists want to destroy all religion and, therefore, God. Many people even fear atheists, although I'm not clear exactly why. I know all this because people assume I'm a believer and share their thoughts. When I hear the distrust and fear in their opinions of those they perceive to be non-believers, I don't take it personally. And in their next breath when they praise God for sending me to hold their hands and ease their pain, I allow the charade to continue. For 72 hours a week, I pretend to be a Christian nurse. I am a highly proficient nurse and a great actress. I am completely aware that patients come to my hospital for not only their medical needs, but also for their spiritual needs during a time when they are at their most sick and vulnerable. . . and I don't want to cause anyone any unnecessary distress because of false prejudices. So, I keep my beliefs to myself and pretend.

When I began my job at this hospital one year ago, my co-workers were curious about me and would ask and probe me for more information about myself. There are only eight of us in our small unit, so it is important to us that we are compatible. When asked if I was Catholic, I said "no" and it was just assumed I was some sort of Christian. One day when I was alone with another co-worker for the first time, she cautiously asked me what church I attended.

I responded carefully, "I don't attend church."

She replied, "That's okay." Then added, "As long as you believe."

When I hesitated to respond, she picked up on that immediately. "You do believe, right?"

"I'm not sure. It's not something I believe we can ever know, so I have doubts," I lied.

"Oh, you're agnostic!" She smiled and actually patted my hand. "You know, that's okay. We all have doubts at sometime in our lives."

I learned a long time ago that Christians are much more tolerant of agnosticism than they are of atheism. With agnostics, there is still a chance of redemption. Atheists are hell bound, for sure. Anyway, word got around our small unit, and my 'doubt' was tolerated and even teased about... until last night.

I decided to come clean about my true beliefs. My co-workers have known me now for a year. They know I am a compassionate nurse, a loving mother, and a loyal wife and daughter. They know I'm not going to sprout horns or curse unborn babies. They know I will not mock their faith or their god. I am their friend, and they are mine. I no longer fear rejection from them. Neither Debbie or Susan have known an atheist before. They had many questions for me. They were accepting of my beliefs but, at times, surprised too. Then Debbie said the nicest thing anyone could say at a time like this. She said, "You know, I am so not threatened by you and your beliefs. In fact, I am more threatened by some Christians that I know." She has no idea how much those words comforted me and eased my apprehension of rejection by someone I think of as a dear friend. Susan stated she felt the same, and I drove home that night relieved and happy.

There are moments that can shape our lives, but we all walk a path that leads to such moments. In my nature, I have the need to be accepted by others, to be liked and to be loved. I'm not angry at the world. I'm not damaged by past events. I believe whatever we need to get us down the path we each walk is individual and personal. If one believes she needs God to guide the way, who am I to say she's right or wrong? I don't have that authority, just as no one has that authority over me. I follow my own path. . . and I'm rarely alone. I travel with my loved ones - past and present. I travel with my life experiences - past and present. When I come to a fork in the road, I don't depend on an external divine spirit to decide for me on which way to turn - I depend on the human spirit within that defines me. It hasn't let me down, so far. I usually turn right, though - there's less chance of getting broadsided.